Not Lonely. Just Unseen.

Can I say my entire life? Im at peace alone tho most of the time, sometimes loneliness creeps in, but I am sick of being with people who I cant relate to on a deeper level and have to fake and mask everything. Besides my mom or family, if I am surrounded by others in the future, I want them to be like me, or better said to understand me as myself and respect me and my wants and needs, share my interests, my ideologies, idk how to put it really. I mean I was always kinda alienated from everything around me, but a phase I really want to forget is around shortly after covid until like end of 2023. At the beginning of lockdown it was like the best period I ever had, having all the free time from school and forced social events in the world and diving into the things I was into at that time, but I started to get into a sort of existentialist phase, not exclusively in the classical sense of a existential crisis, rather I wanted to make sense of the physical reality we live in, how to navigate within it and how to use that fundamental understanding to improve life on earth. So it really feels like sometimes I came out of a different universe for thinking about stuff like this. I actually planned to publish my ideas one day, but my knowledge expanded and thinking shifted, just at that time it was intrusively in my head all the time. The only time when I stop having spiraling thoughts is when I draw/paint, play games or read, and even then it's not completely safe. Sometimes I wish I would stop thinking so much about so many different things. About my own life, about others, about my interests (although thats what i can enjoy most of the time), about the world. Whats worse is most of the time I cant really open myself to anyone about these things, as I know how different I am from everyone around me. At least now I can understand why I was and still am the way I am thanks to discovering the possibility of having autism, so I try to get my diagnosis and my second ADHD diagnosis ASAP.