Healing My Inner Child

I grew up with a single mom on welfare. And before I say anything else, I had a good childhood. She was home with us. I knew I was loved, truly. And when you're little, what else do you need? Around 7 I started to notice things. The feeling of wanting things other kids had that we didn't. Noticing my mom's stress when I asked for something, the overwhelm it brought her just to be asked and the guilt I would feel or even shame for asking/wanting. I made myself small. I learned quickly that being agreeable was easier than being a burden. People pleasing started early, because even at 7 I understood that taking up space had a cost. I'm embarrassed to admit that even at 7, I was noticing the judgment. Society's definition of normal. And I was already trying to fit in. The memory that never leaves me is a grocery store moment. Her debit card declined. So we put things back. Tried again. Declined again. Put more things back. And as this was happening the line behind us kept growing. I could feel the eyes on us. Maybe they were irritated or maybe I was hypersensitive — but I was completely tuned in to watching and noticing every reaction around me. I watched my mom's face. And somewhere in that moment I decided something. About us. About me. And what I didn't want when I grew up. We were different. We had less. And having less meant you lacked, you sacrificed, and you felt guilty for wanting anything at all. Then I turned 13 and my mom opened a restaurant with some friends. Which meant just like that, she was gone. I was not used to this. I was not prepared. Out of the house by 4 or 5am every single day to bake and prep. Home close to midnight. Every night. All her money went into the business which meant overnight there was just... nothing left for me and my sibling. No dinners made. No bus fare. No lunch money. She didn't have the capacity to see what was happening to me during this time. She was in survival mode herself. She did her best. So I got a job at a telemarketing place after school. Then after that got a job at McDonald's. The one on Main and Terminal. Teenage girl working the drive through on graveyard shifts on weekends. While other kids were doing after school sports or just hanging out being kids — I was going to school and then going straight to work. Homework alone after. Maybe. No one checking in. No one saying good job. No one asking if I was okay. No one asking anything at all. I just grew up fast because there was no other option. By 16 I was paying my mom rent. As an adult now, with a job/career I built and a family of my own, I've reflected on these moments. Those years that were supposed to be formative in a different way. And I can say clearly now: that was a lot for a little girl to carry. All alone. Up until recently I brushed it off like it didn't affect me. Like I was completely fine. But truthfully I can get anxious around money. Debt especially. Like a physical thing in my chest that has nothing to do with the actual numbers. I attach it to my self worth. To my safety. When a paycheque lands I feel this wave of relief and I feel more worthy... accomplished... valuable even perhaps. There are some interesting money relationship issues there. Lack and scarcity mindset versus abundant mindset. The lack mindset doesn't show up loud. It just quietly shapes decisions. Adds unnecessary fear. Unnecessary self doubt. I know where that voice comes from now. I know exactly how old she is. So this is for her. The 13 year old girl who grew up too fast, without the necessary support and resources. When I see 13 year olds now I'm struck by how young they look. How small. How innocent. How much support and love they still need. And honestly it makes me really sad for that girl, even heartbroken. The one who didn't get to be that young. Who was already working graveyard shifts at the McDonald's drive through on Main and Terminal. Paying rent. Riding buses alone. Cooking herself dinner. Eating alone. Doing all of it with nobody watching. Nobody told her how remarkable she was. Nobody stopped and said — do you know what you're doing right now? Do you know how strong you are? Nobody saw her. I didn't see her. As an adult there can be this desperation to feel seen and heard. To have my perspective understood. It can send me into fear and panic which makes me act in ways that are out of character — controlling, grasping, not myself. And I want to stop that. So I'm noticing it now. I'm noticing her. You were not less than. You were a kid doing the work of an adult with none of the support, none of the recognition, and none of the safety net. And you did it anyway. I see you. I'm SO proud of you. And I'm sorry it took this long for someone to finally say so. I can do that for myself now. And that feels empowering. Did you grow up too fast? Did your childhood leave something in you that you're still carrying today? You are not alone in this. Some prompts that I use which I received from a healing session: - I have been looking for validation from others, including my husband. I choose to give it to myself by loving and accepting myself unconditionally. - I have a deep need to control the things in my life as a way of feeling safe. I choose instead to give up all control and give all my worries and fears to Source. - I am focused on what others need to heal in themselves as a way of distracting myself from my own growth. I choose instead to surrender as I soften my body and allow healing. - I will focus only on my own healing and set the intention for focused surrender of all that does not serve me. - When I find myself craving acceptance or validation, I will give that little girl all the love she never received through my huge heart center. - I set the intention of loving myself without limits. - I am imperfectly unique and my birthright is worthiness. - I step with purpose into expansion, peace and joy.