Trying to Keep Up Is Exhausting

From the outside, I’m doing what I’m supposed to do, I work, I show up for my family, keep up with bills. I have what I set out to do from a younger version of myself. The career, the house, the family. I’m also that go to person, people can rely on and often do. The one who can fix things, handy, resourceful, who gets things done. I think somewhere along the way I started tying my worth to that without even realizing it. Like as long as I keep performing, keep producing, kept helping others, then everything is okay. But there’s always this pressure underneath it. Not loud, just constant. Thinking about money, thinking about what’s next, thinking about whether I’m doing enough. It never really shuts off. Even when things are fine, there’s this feeling that they might not be for long, so I just keep going… just in case. It feels like I’m on a hamster wheel I can’t really step off. I tell myself it’s temporary, that I’ll slow down soon, but something else always comes up. Or I raise the bar again. Or I just get used to the pace. And before I know it, this is just how I live. And the hardest part is, even when I feel like I’m almost keeping up… something happens. An expense I didn’t expect. Something at work. Something in life I didn’t plan for. A vacation, that maybe we can't really afford (without putting it on credit at least...) And it sets me back just enough that I feel it all over again. That pressure in my chest. That tight feeling like I’m behind and need to catch up, quickly. Sometimes it actually feels hard to breathe, like I can’t fully settle, even when I try. I find myself looking around, wondering how everyone else is doing this. How they’re keeping up with everything without feeling like this all the time. I don’t ask. I just assume they’re handling it better than I am. So I keep it to myself, bottle it up. I’m was never taught how to talk about this stuff. I’m taught to handle it and bottle it up. So I do. I keep going, even when I’m tired. And not just tired like I need sleep, but tired in a way where everything starts to take more effort than it should. Tired that when I try to rest, I can't almost like a wired feeling. My mind doesn’t slow down. I lie there at night going over everything — what I did, what I missed, what I need to fix, research rabbit hole. And no one really sees that part. From the outside, it still looks like I’m handling it. I’m working, showing up, doing what I’m supposed to do. So there’s no real moment where someone says, “hey, that looks like a lot.” I also feel unapprecaited. Based on what I feel inside, does anyone appreciate all I do to feel this way? Its not far I know but very lonely. It just becomes expected. And after a while, I start expecting it from myself too. Like I don’t really have the option to not handle it. I don’t really have the space to say I’m overwhelmed, even if I am. I also don't realize it until I explode, whether that's inside or a big reaction to something from the outside perspective seemed small, and the reaction didn't align. That’s probably the loneliest part of it. Being around people, talking, doing life… and still feeling like I’m carrying something by myself that I don’t really know how to put down. I know what burnout is and stress. I could probably talk to someone about it but for some reason, I don’t and think everyone else has it together. I don't want to ruin the night out with friends when we are having drinks... I don't want to be that guy.. so rather I put on a happy face and help when ppl ask. I don’t know. It just feels heavier than it used to. Like I’m trying to keep up with something that doesn’t really slow down, and alone. And I’m starting to question if this is actually just part of it…or if I’ve been carrying more than I’m meant to on my own.